Overcoming the Pressure of Being a “Perfect Parent”
We’ve all been there: scrolling through social media and seeing a smiling, fit new parent visiting a local brewery or hiking a 14er with a content 3-month old in a carrier. You evaluate your own life since becoming a parent and realize that you showered three days ago, live in comfy clothes, and it’s a major win if you make it to the grocery store without forgetting the diaper bag. When you compare, it’s easy to start spiraling, feeling like we’re behind, not doing enough, or are failing as parents.
The truth is, you’re not behind and you’re not failing. You’re navigating one of life’s most significant transitions and with that can come challenges in mood and mental health for both moms and dads. In Colorado alone, 1 in 11 women experience Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) and in certain demographics, these rates can climb closer to 1 in 5.
What are PMADs?
You may have heard of PPD (Postpartum Depression) or PPA (Postpartum Anxiety). These fall under the umbrella of PMADs, Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders. This term is more inclusive because it acknowledges that postpartum struggles aren’t just “sadness”; they can include intrusive thoughts, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and even rage.
PMADs vs. “Baby Blues”
*Disclaimer: This post is not meant to be a substitute for medical advice and is written for informational purposes only. If you are struggling with symptoms of PMADs, talk to your doctor or counselor for help!
Starting immediately after you give birth, your hormone levels begin to change drastically as your body now adjusts to not being pregnant, and in many cases, now nursing and caring for a newborn infant. Estrogen, progesterone, cortisol and hCG levels plummet, while oxytocin and prolactin begin to rise.
Because of these rapid changes, it’s normal (though not fun!) to experience symptoms of hormone withdrawal, which may include mood swings, weepiness, irritability, heightened relationship conflict or stress, and sleep deprivation. It’s important to know when those feelings cross the line from a temporary rough patch into something requiring professional support.
The "Baby Blues"
- Duration: Lasts 2–14 days after birth.
- Symptoms: Mild mood swings, weepiness, irritability, and exhaustion.
- Severity: Does not interfere with your ability to care for the baby or yourself.
- Prevalence: Affects up to 80% of new parents.
- Treatment: Usually resolves on its own with rest and support.
With “baby blues,” symptoms usually develop within 2 to 3 days of delivery and resolve within 2 weeks. This can vary from person to person but typically, “baby blues” can be resolved with self-care, support from friends and family, and time to adjust.
PMADs (Postpartum Depression & Anxiety)
- Duration: Can occur anytime during pregnancy or up to the first year postpartum; lasts longer than 2 weeks.
- Symptoms: Severe anxiety, panic attacks, “postpartum rage,” intrusive thoughts, or deep hopelessness.
- Severity: Makes it difficult to complete daily tasks or bond with the baby.
- Prevalence: Affects 1 in 11 parents and up to 1 in 5 parents in some demographics.
- Treatment: Requires professional support, such as therapy, support groups, or medication.
Recognizing the signs of PMADs
The following may be signs of mood and anxiety disorders during pregnancy and after delivery, adopted from Children’s Hospital Colorado:
- Frequent crying
- Feelings of sadness, anxiety, worthlessness or hopelessness
- Anger
- Lack of energy for everyday tasks
- Trouble sleeping even when the baby is asleep
- Sense of stress that interferes with daily life
- Loss of interest in food or preoccupation with eating
- Loss of interest in self-care
- Loss of concentration
- Difficulty making decisions
- Lack of pleasure or interest in most or all activities
- Excessive anxiety about the baby
- Lack of interest in or feeling detached from the baby
- Fears of harm coming to the baby or thoughts of harming the baby
- Thoughts of suicide or harming yourself
If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms or feelings, it’s important to remember this doesn’t make you a “bad person” or a failing parent. These are symptoms of a clinical mental health struggle and should be taken seriously, as one would with another injury or illness
PMADs in Fathers
Postpartum health isn’t just a “mom issue.” 1 in 10 men struggle with PPD/PPA, and fathers show an increased risk of depression and anxiety as the baby approaches their first birthday, often due to the long-term accumulation of sleep deprivation and financial pressure.
In men, the symptoms often manifest differently than women and can be overlooked because of this.
Symptoms of PMADs in Dads can include:
- Anger, sudden outbursts, or violent behavior
- Increase in impulsive or risk-taking behavior, including turning to substances such as alcohol or prescription drugs
- Irritability
- Low motivation
- Physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle aches, stomach, or digestion issues
- Poor concentration
- Suicidal thoughts
- Withdrawing from relationships
- Working a lot more or a lot less
FINDING SUPPORT IN NORTHERN COLORADO
You don’t have to face this alone. If you think you may be experiencing PPA or PPD, there are several local resources available to families in Northern Colorado:
If you're looking for more immediate support:
National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: Available 24/7 by calling or texting 1-833-852-6262, offering support for both parents.
Postpartum Support International (PSI) HelpLine: Call 1-800-944-4773 (4PPD) or text 800-944-4773 (English) or 971-203-7773 (Spanish). (This resource is for both moms & dads).
PSI “Chat with an Expert:” A free, monthly, confidential video call led by a professional, designed specifically for new fathers navigating challenges.
National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Dial or text 988 for immediate help in a crisis situation.
How to Support a Struggling Parent
If you suspect your partner, friend, or family member is struggling, here’s a few ways you can help support them.
- Be Specific: Instead of asking what they need, offer to do something specific.
- Examples:
- “I’m bringing dinner at 6:00pm”
- “I’m coming over to fold laundry”
- “I’m headed to the grocery store, send me your list”
- Or, give them specific options, “Would you like me to hold the baby while you nap or bring you a coffee and clean the dishes and baby bottles?”
- Examples:
- Be Available: Struggling with PMADs can be very isolating. Be available for them, reach out regularly, listen and respond with compassion, invite them to get out of the house.
- Be Encouraging: If you feel like they need professional help, gently encourage them to seek it out. Validate their feelings and the things they’re doing well, don’t try and “fix” everything. If they are open to professional help, do research in your area on their behalf to take that burden off their shoulders.
- If you’re concerned that your loved one may be considering harming themselves or others: Call 988 for mental health distress, suicide risk, substance use concerns, or emotional crises. Call 911 for immediate threats to life or active suicide attempts.
Caring for Yourself if you’re Experiencing PMADs
Knowing how to care for yourself if you’re experiencing PMADs can be overwhelming and feel impossible. Start small. Here are some practical tips to help you manage PMADs.
- Prioritize rest: Whether this looks like working out a better “night shift” system with your partner or sleeping for 20 minutes while your baby sleeps, prioritize quality sleep as much as you can.
- Eat nutritious foods: Focus on nourishing your body with foods that make it feel good. Prioritize a balanced diet as you’re able. A meal planning service could help you with the decision fatigue and make life a little easier for a bit.
- Get outside: Getting some fresh air, sitting in the sun, and being outside can help a ton.
- Light physical activity: You don’t have to jump into anything vigorous but a light stroller walk around the block can help reduce stress and improve your mood.
- Join a support group: You’re not the only one struggling with this transition. There are several virtual and in-person support groups for parents to share in their struggles and voice their questions.
- Lean on others: It can be hard to ask for help and you might not even know what you need but let your friends and family support you during this time.
- Vocalize how you’re feeling: Sharing your thoughts, feelings, and questions with someone you trust can offer some relief and take some burdens off your shoulders.
- Make time for yourself: Whether it’s a 15 minute hot shower or listening to your favorite podcast, find a way to do something you love that will fill up your cup.
- Spend time with those you love: Being surrounded by those you love can help prevent loneliness and isolation.
Frequently asked questions about pmads
What is the difference between the "Baby Blues" and a PMAD?
While both involve mood changes after giving birth, they differ significantly in duration and severity:
The Baby Blues: Affect up to 80% of new parents, start within a few days of delivery, and resolve on their own within 2 weeks. They do not interfere with your ability to care for your baby.
PMADs (Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders): Can occur anytime during pregnancy or up to a year postpartum, and symptoms last longer than 2 weeks. PMADs include severe anxiety, panic, rage, or deep hopelessness, and require professional support.
Can fathers get postpartum depression or anxiety?
Yes, absolutely. Postpartum mental health is not just a “mom issue.” Approximately 1 in 10 men struggle with postpartum depression or anxiety. For fathers, the risk actually tends to increase closer to the baby’s first birthday due to the cumulative effects of chronic sleep deprivation and financial pressure.
What are the symptoms of postpartum struggles in men?
In men, PMADs often manifest differently than they do in women and can easily be overlooked. Common symptoms in dads include:
Increased irritability, anger, or sudden outbursts
Withdrawing from relationships or working significantly more (or less)
Physical symptoms like headaches, muscle aches, or digestive issues
Engaging in impulsive, risky behavior or turning to alcohol and substances
Does having a PMAD mean I am a bad parent?
No, not at all. Experiencing a postpartum mood or anxiety disorder is a clinical medical condition, heavily driven by drastic hormonal shifts and extreme sleep deprivation. It is an illness, not a character flaw or a reflection of your love for your baby. Seeking help is a sign of strength and a vital step in taking care of your new family.
How can I best support a partner or friend who is struggling?
The best way to help is to be specific rather than asking open-ended questions. Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” try:
“I’m bringing dinner over at 6:00 PM.”
“I’m headed to the grocery store, send me your list.”
“Would you like me to hold the baby while you nap, or should I wash the bottles?”
You can also offer to research local resources or support groups to take the mental burden off their shoulders.
Where can I get immediate help for postpartum mental health?
If you or a loved one needs immediate support, free and confidential resources are available 24/7:
National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: Call or text 1-833-852-6262 (Supports both moms and dads).
Postpartum Support International (PSI) HelpLine: Call 1-800-944-4773 or text 800-944-4773 (English) or 971-203-7773 (Spanish).
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Dial or text 988 if you are experiencing a mental health crisis.
